Good relationships don’t just happen; they take time, patience and two people who truly want to work to be together. Below are the tips to make that happen
1.
Do the things you did the first year you were dating.
As the
months and years roll on, we tend to slink into our proverbial sweatpants and
get lazy in our relationship. We lose our patience, gentleness, thoughtfulness,
understanding and the general effort we once made toward our mate. Think back
to the first year of your relationship and write down all the things you used
to do for your partner. Now start doing them again.
2.
Ask for what you want.
Over
time, we assume that our partner knows us so well that we don’t need to ask for
what we want. What happens when we make this assumption? Expectations are set
and just as quickly, they get deflated. Those unmet expectations can leave us
questioning the viability of our partnership and connection. Keep in mind that
“asking for what you want” extends to everything from emotional to sexual
wants.
3.
Become an expert on your partner.
Think
about who your mate really is and what excites him or her (both physically and
emotionally). We can become consumed by what WE THINK he/she wants, as opposed
to tuning in to what truly resonates with the other person. Remember that if
it’s important to your partner, it doesn’t have to make sense to you. You just
have to do it.
4.
Don't ask "how was your day."
At the
end of a long day, we tend to mentally check out of our lives and consequently,
our relationship. We rely on the standard question, “How was your day?”
Generally, that boring question will yield a boring answer such as, “Fine, how
was yours?” This does nothing to improve your connection and instead, can
actually damage it because you're losing the opportunity to regularly connect
in a small way.
Instead,
try asking things like, “What made you smile today?” or “What was the most
challenging part of your day?” You’ll be amazed at the answers you’ll get, with
the added benefit of gaining greater insight into your significant other.
5.
Create a weekly ritual to check in with one another.
It can
be short or long but it begins with asking each other what worked and didn’t
work about the previous week and what can be done to improve things this coming
week. Additionally, use this opportunity to get on the same page with your
schedules, plan a date night and talk about what you would like to see happen
in the coming days, weeks, and months in your relationship. Without an
intentional appointment to do a temperature check, unmet needs and resentments
can build.
6.
Keep it sexy.
What
might change in your relationship if both you and your partner committed to
increasing the behaviors you each find sexy and limiting those that aren’t?
Think about this in the broadest form. “Sexy” can certainly refer to bedroom preferences,
but it also represents what excites us about our mate in our day-to-day lives.
Do you find it sexy if he/she helps with the housework? Do you find it
"unsexy" when he/she uses the restroom with the door wide open? Talk
about what it specifically means to "keep it sexy" in your
relationship. Be amazed, be humored, be inspired!
7.
Get creative about the time you spend together.
Break
out of the “dinner and a movie” routine and watch how a little novelty can truly rejuvenate your relationship. On a
budget and can’t go big? Jump on the internet to look for “cheap date ideas”
and be blown away at the plethora of options. Can’t afford a sitter? Try
swapping babysitting time with friends that have kids. It’s free and they will
likely be thrilled to take your kids because they will get to take advantage
when they drop their kids at your place.
8.
Take a (mental) vacation, everyday.
Life
and work distractions can become paramount in our minds and that leaves little
time or energy for our partner. Practice the art of “Wearing the Relationship
Hat.” This means that (barring any emergencies or deadlines), we are fully
present when we're with our mate. We truly hear what they are saying (instead
of pretending to listen), we leave our distractions behind and we don’t pick
them up again until the sun comes up and we walk out the door.
9.
Take "fight breaks" when you need them.
Before
you’ve hit the point of no return and as you see the stress beginning to
escalate, one or both of you can call a break so that cooler heads can prevail.
The crux of this tool lies in the fact that you must pick a specific time to
revisit the conversation (I.e. 10 minutes from now, 2:00pm on Tuesday etc.) so
that closure can be achieved.
10.
Dig deep to unearth your true feelings.
In most
disagreements, we communicate from the “Top Layer,” which are the obvious
emotions such as anger, annoyance and the like. Leading from this place can
create confusion, defensiveness and ultimately distract from the real issue.
Start communicating from the “Bottom Layer” (i.e. What feelings are really
driving your reactions such as disappointment, rejection, loneliness, disrespect
etc.).
This
type of expression creates an instant sense of empathy because it requires
honesty and vulnerability to share from this space. Tension will
dissipate and from here, solutions can spring. Just be sure to use kind,
non-reactive phrasing when expressing these bottom layer feelings, such as “I
felt hurt by…” as a replacement for “You’re such a jerk” etc.
11.
Seek to understand ... not agree.
Easy in
concept, difficult in application. Conversations quickly turn to arguments when
we're invested in hearing our partner admit that we were right or when we are
intent on changing his/her opinion. Choose to approach a conversation as an
opportunity to understand your significant other’s perspective as opposed to
waiting for them to concede. From this perspective, we have an interesting
dialogue and prevent a blow out or lingering frustration.
12.
Make your apology count.
It’s
well understood that apologizing is a good thing but it only makes a real
impact when you mean it. Saying things like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or
“I’m sorry you see it that way” are a waste of time and breath. Even if you
don’t agree that your action was wrong, you will never successfully argue a
feeling.
Accept
that your mate feels hurt and from this place, a real apology can have a
significant impact. When you love your partner and hurt them (intentionally or
not) you can always legitimately apologize for the pain you caused regardless
of your perspective on what you did or didn’t do.
You are
now, officially armed with the comprehensive exercise routine to fully reshape
your relationship. Trim the fat and build your hottest relationship for life!
Allison
Cohen
photo credit: Blackloveadvice.com
