New history new rivalry new cast: The EPL is back

The Premier League is back. While the cast changes—with new managers and new players —the whole thing largely stays the same. Someone who’s spent loads of cash will slip into a supposed crisis. Then, managers start getting kicked about when dreams start to fade and hackles start to raise, and an early dark horse gets sent to the glue factor. Finally, Chelsea win the league, Jose Mourinho goes back to being nice, and the relegation zone looks much the same as it always has. So who’s going to be put into these already established story arcs?

CRISIS

There are two obvious candidates to qualify to be a CRISIS club. One is Manchester United, and the other is their great historical pals, Liverpool.

Manchester United

United finished the season as a boring mess. Angel Di Maria wanted out, their defence was staffed by the witless Phil Jones and the most limited player in existence, Antonio Valencia. David de Gea wanted to leave, and the left hand side of midfield was the almost literal statue Marouane Fellaini, and the wan-but-competent Ashley Young. In attack, Wayne Rooney was only playing because Radamel Falcao and Robin van Persie were even worse. The squad needed yet more investment. And now, the squad still needs investment.

The midfield has Bastian Schweinsteiger and Morgan Schneiderlin. The defence has Matteo Darmian. There’s no alternative to Rooney, and Memphis Depay is exciting but young. With more players to follow, rumours of a few unhappy with Victor Valdes’ treatment, Di Maria cast aside to PSG after a year, and De Gea dropped with his head in the clouds, there’s room for trouble. A loss to Spurs with Sergio Romero and Daley Blind in a makeshift defence, a pre-season wobble, and a defeat to Liverpool, and it will all kick off.

Liverpool

Liverpool finished the season even more hilariously than United did, losing 6-1 to Stoke with a captain who had used up all of his self-regard in advertising a public exit to LA Galaxy and their most exciting player in Raheem Sterling demanding a transfer away. This was all on the back of a total balls-up of a season, spending countless pounds on players who failed to adjust quickly, or who were obvious disasters, having spent the Luis Suarez money. Lazar Markovic, Emre Can, Javi Moreno, Mario Balotelli, Rickie Lambert and Dejan Lovren all failed to establish themselves as first-choice players.

And now, Mr Brendan has repeated the trick. Nathaniel Clyne, James Milner, Christian Benteke, Roberto Firmino and Danny Ings join Divock Origi, initially loaned back to Lille. They all appear a step up on last year’s haul, but that’s because we’ve all seen last year’s haul. Liverpool started and ended last year stumbling, drunk and confused, and another six new players is not necessarily the best way to resolve a mess. Like United, they needed an overhaul in their squad, but there’s still a chance that they will take time to settle, lose to Manchester United, and have an existential crisis of their own.

This is where the real fun starts, with managers losing their jobs, telling their wives and children that they have been appraised as literally not worth paying to be able to afford food and drink. And who is on the cards to go through this brutal, unforgiving and fairly depressing experience?

**Tim Sherwood: **OK, he’s quite funny, but he is essentially a clown. Aston Villa have lost Ron Vlaar, Christian Benteke and Fabian Delph this transfer window, and brought in eight potential first team players, with the possibility of adding Emmanuel Adebayor too. Expect Sherwood to be saluting Randy Lerner in October before even getting his severance pay after three sequential 5-0 losses to mid-table dross. It’s not all bad—there will be fewer jokes about gilets on Twitter.

REGRESSION TO THE MEAN

Stoke City: Much has been made of their transfer ambitions, but let’s be reasonable. Bojan Krkic joined them for a reason —nobody else would take him —and now he’s coming back from a serious injury. Add to him ex-Barcelona winger Ibrahim Afellay. He’s joined them for a reason—nobody else would take him—and he’s still coming back from a serious injury. They have an easy set of fixtures until 7 November, when they play Chelsea, Manchester City and Southampton. They’ll get battered, and be on their way back down to 12th.

OK, in this part of the league, Chelsea win the league – so who should we predict to win the league?

Chelsea

Chelsea winning the league is most likely to feature Chelsea winning the league. They haven’t really bought anyone, with Radamel Falcao brought in, Asmir Begovic replacing Petr Cech, Victor Moses added, and a few youngsters who’ve been promoted to the first-team squad. It seems to be another year that Roman Abramovich isn’t especially keen to sell some oil barrels to fund a few more purchases. But still, they have the best player in the league in Eden Hazard. They have one of the best strikers, Diego Costa, and they have the best goalkeeper, defender and midfielder. They have by far the strongest first eleven, with a manager who amasses as many early points as he possibly can.

Their competition—Arsenal and Manchester City—haven’t added nearly enough to believe themselves to be sufficiently improved, and United have added so many that they won’t sufficiently improve in time for it to matter, if they manage it at all. Therefore, it appears that Chelsea are most likely to be prominent in the Chelsea Winning The League stage.